This Place

I’ve been shamelessly avoiding this topic, hoping that the feeling would fade. I look over at your photo and close my eyes, trying not to hear your voice.

I breathe in deeply and start counting: one… two… at three I gasp, releasing emotion, losing my will to deprivation, attempting to stop my mind from taking me there.

Disordered by love, lust, physical need; with a glimpse of hope I feel your breath. Your lips so close that I tremble.

Your bravura...

Sleepy brown eyes, barely open, close enough that I see myself in your gaze. Please don’t do this to me. Why can I feel you now? You were gone before we began; but I have you here, kissing my silence, tasting my fear, caressing my heart…

FUCK! Where have you taken me? Please name this place, give me an explanation. I’ve been told by so many that this can’t exist. Why did you bring me here and leave me? Why do you run when things become complex?

You fear us as a disappointment to your family and tradition; Cultural ties feed your anxiety. You have somehow twisted and slaughtered its true meaning however... a beautiful art form; lost in your attempt to renovate... -obscurity. A world lost from, but also contained by... reality, a mask within your true self, an assist that allows you to hide beneath the shadows.

As you connect, just for a bit, you succeed in stealing our breath, draining our blood, taking with you a glimpse of our passion, disregarding our sentiment and using it as a catalyst to dive deeper into your artistic abyss… We intensify your being and call to light the trouble with your current situation.

You will join me in this place someday. You may already be here, remove the blindfold and look me in the eye… You know where I am.

El Baile De La Reservada

Movement, radiance, and possession of natural beauty: inherent confession of your being. But you lie. You lie to me, you lie to them; and most distressing: you lie to yourself. You continue with the charade.

¿Artisa? You’re doing it again. You’re taking on too much. We’ve had this conversation. I told you that life will slow you down. But it wasn’t the drinking and driving was it? No, not that.

In some perverse manifestation of understanding I get ‘us’ more. I look back at ‘the signs’. I’ve been reading them with my heart, blinded by reality of life. Neither one of us cared to translate.

Take me with you? Not you! You couldn’t bare the thought of opening yourself up, allowing someone to hurt with you. ‘I don’t like you worrying about me, Mar-LA.’ Isn’t that what you said to me? Every time we spoke I think. Funny. I’m not going anywhere. All I can do is respect your privacy. Let you deal with ‘this’ in your own way.

I’ll give you space. But you know damn well that my interpretation of privacy is meddling. I won’t leave you alone. Selfish? I emailed you about being selfish, didn’t I?

Don’t worry about these postings. I’ll allow you your shadow. You can hide from life for as long as you like. I'll live with you through masquerade: El Baile De La Reservada.

Normalcy

My Mind

Normalcy: nor mal cy (noun) - the way things are under common circumstances.

I can`t imagine fumbling trough life striving to maintain normalcy; but you know as well as I that this is no plight for the imagination... It is, and has always been, the only reality we know.

This blog, serves to challenge the norm. Live as you are; embrace your differences, annoyances and mishaps. Learn from stupidity, anger, jealousy and regret. Get from it what no one dares to: truth. But don`t be fooled. I`m a simple girl with simple thoughts. Lower your expectations just a tad; give me what I strive to give you; a small piece of self/a mirror image of what the pursuit of normalcy has done to us, or at least to one woman`s outlook on the world and experiences gained from it.

Throughout the course of my life I`ve made certain that my happiness was buried, masked by pain, suffering, or some other self-hating descriptive. Would you believe that after almost three decades of bjte-noir, I`ve found a way to convert into something more heartening? I`ve come to appreciate all my abhorrence, suffering, fear wallowing, and disgust: chalking it up to the wonderful lessons of life prompted by misery. Don`t misunderstand my message. Misery does not have to be coupled with a negative. It is to me, a side note, reminding me that positive lessons are mostly taught by fear.

Enjoy my life.