The Ruins

If stress wasn't stressful enough, enter one lakefront property on its last limb. "Hey Marla, there's a house right on the lakefront... In front of the private docs. The view is amazing. Rents' reasonable" 'SUCKER' should've followed. Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful for the picturesque view of the water and the cheap rent... But good god! Rotting wood, broken windows, leaking ceiling, pipes... And a contact who says "Don't know what you're gonna do, I'm not a landlord! Sorry for your situation." What we endure for said view and a couple dollars off. The hunt for housing in this town never ends...

I'm BACK!!

Gosh... It's been such a long time since I've posted anything here; I guess life had been less than inspiring and now I'm BACK!! I doubt that this inspiration hasn't something to do with the love in my life.... Ah, LOVE. Love, love, love love love!!! I do not profess to know what our purpose is in life but I do concede to know that love has something to do with it. Well blog followers, I've de-MySpaced and have facebooklessened these days and plan on going back to the beginings of where the real social networking began (well for me at least). I will leave it at that for now.

I Got U

Hide? Run? Loose?
Behind you?
Behind why and where you’ll be when I arrive?

Alone.
Misleading silence.
Angles and curves to explain the light of your body.

Dangerous.
Extreme.
Destructive.

Careless and unaware of who I am and what sacrifices I have made.

I don’t have hobbies
I have no real talent
I cry more than I smile

My heart aches constantly

My mind never stops turning

My soul remains silent

If I cant get up and go and move and be for me,
where will I reach when I admit this to you?
My book? My escape? My focus of life?

Chaotic abyss of sea and air
swarming fly’s around my dying need to love s**t
and get shit from them all.

Do you feel my pain?
Can you even comprehend this perplexed erratic notion of self and accept meaning?
Do you know who I am?

Find yourself in these words…
Guilt by the thought of how you’ve influenced language and feeling

Be that for me and I’ll leave when you ask

If you have more…
Tell me.
Show me.
Get aroused when we speak.
Crave my mind.
Ask for, ‘that thing’ by name.

What?
You don’t want that from me?
Am I not what you’ve expected?

Shit girl, I apologize for breaking the mold;
For letting you look in the mirror.

You’ve met your last,
you feel that;
but try to forget when one week has passed…

I got you.
I know who you are.
Now kiss me and say goodnight.

¡Dishorna!

What are you feeling right now? Can you even describe your emotional state? Oh, I can! I can paint a magnificent picture… Lets start with some trees. Simple enough. We have branches, leaves, a fucking trunk… WAIT FUCKER! Let me paint a picture eh! I said I have a pinche arbol! It’s got leaves and shit. It’s swaying in the wind marimensa… te puedes ver?

Man, you… can’t... see... shit... Can you? You’re probably like, ‘mujer, where’s this coming from?’ BITCH! It’s coming from you! With your, ‘I don’t want to bring you drama, because you don’t deserve it’…. ALL YOU’RE ABOUT IS DRAMA!!! Grow up you fucking sell-out! All MEXICA... please… you degrade the integrity of their cause. What a disgrace. Tapa la cara pendeja… you have no right to bear their bones. MEXICA... que deshonra, eres tu...

Man, I’d like to see you spontaneously combust at the next temascal...

¡Ama!

Put Your Fucking Head Down!

Don't even think about looking me in the eye.

How damaging is this?
What have you done to her? To them? Our family? Theirs?

What right do you have? To conceal? To hide?
What are you keeping from us?

The lives and relationships you've ignored, degraded, de-personified... Her father.

You act as if there was no substance
like people are less than...

What about your God?
You wonder why I don't concern myself with such beliefs... YOU as my example:

Your God... Give Me A Break.
Forgiveness and truth, what you're full of right?
I wish you could hear me chuckle. It's hilarious.

Your God... Oh Boy!
Tolerance and patience, your life's display; correct?
I wish you could see my sneer. It's quite amusing.

But don't even think for a moment that you'll lie to me again.

I won't have it.
I won't do it.
I can't believe anything you say anymore.

Your past:
It's who you are.
It's shaped what you've become.

I don't know these things.
I don't know who you are.

I know your lies.
I know who you think you should be.
I know what you thought was okay.

I'm here to tell you who you're not.

It was nice meeting you... Mother.

An Ode to La Marimacha

I post so many of my own thoughts;
things that haunt me...
I write about so many of my own
feelings; things that move me...

I think its time that I share a bit of poetry written about
me.

Please embrace the powerful words my dear friend,
Regina Alexander:

Marla

I saw her
out of the corner of my right eye.
A glance, the most radiant
seduction known only as
brief encounter.
On this worn barstool at this
devastatingly over crowded loneliness
known only as ‘the bar’. Fake people.
They always tell you not to
pick people up in bars. They who?
I guess I think that the rule
didn’t apply to me, that or, I
wasn’t listening anyway.
Moments passed before our
introduction. Shy, dramatic
combination of attraction.
The richest shade of cocoa
brown hair, honey skin – she owned
The softest gaze, tranquil and
defiant. I dove into her gates.
Those that so many are discouraged
from, why I moved, so determined
to understand this force of
energy?
The rows of brilliant teeth,
the deliberately separate lines
of precious rose-petal soft
lips. That spread into smile
automatically to allow earth to
witness this informant tone
of voice.
She, so foreign, intrigues me.
Lengths of thick romantic
curls – hair- playground to
my curious fingertips.
Why our unexpected treasure
of chance meeting? Je ne sais pas.
But we’ve evolved. So much
more deeply rooted now then
imagined – hard to just
walk away from comfortability.

How Dare You!

Closeness.

Have you ever had someone in your life that you just knew hadn’t a clue? I bet you have. I bet you gave more of yourself to this person than you’ve given to anyone else. I also bet that this particular individual disregarded your every attempt to connect. This… individual; will keep you at arms length. This individual can sense your worth… use it, but refuse to lift their veil.

How dare you?

What in the hell were you thinking?

You tell me that you will return my call… but continue to lie. That... I can handle. I’m used to it. Quite frankly miss thing… I expect it from you.

BUT HOW DARE YOU… send me one of those hideous emails headed with ‘Re: FW: Tsunami Victim, do you know him?’

Are you insane?

Don't get me wrong... your emotion for the youngster in this hideous FW: is quite impressive... but i would somehow expect/well, hope, that your sentiment for those near you in your reality -or the ones making an effort to stay within close proximity to you... a genuine concern for what you experience, trying to maintain a friendship of sorts. i needed to talk...

a connection lost to a forged reality... RIGHT?? supposed, i guess. unwelcome display... less than amused by the forwarded note authored or initiated by el señor.

MY NAME... from your list. remove. you must have forgotten that i have more than one email address.

so i free you from one more obligation… the one to maintain this
false connection.

hope

I'm going to convince myself that this is it. Though I have issue: an innate need; allowance; continuance... hope. Face value, I suppose. Day by day. Torn, tortured, taunted, and taken by you. Civility, reality, insanity, a casualty in and of you.

An aid, visions of being, subtle development, given to this idea of possibility. 'Run with me?' has always been my plea.

Supplication by supposition of transitioning inspiration. Fear and loathing, facing you before confronting myself; leading me into this; and here i will be for as long as hope lingers.

This Place

I’ve been shamelessly avoiding this topic, hoping that the feeling would fade. I look over at your photo and close my eyes, trying not to hear your voice.

I breathe in deeply and start counting: one… two… at three I gasp, releasing emotion, losing my will to deprivation, attempting to stop my mind from taking me there.

Disordered by love, lust, physical need; with a glimpse of hope I feel your breath. Your lips so close that I tremble.

Your bravura...

Sleepy brown eyes, barely open, close enough that I see myself in your gaze. Please don’t do this to me. Why can I feel you now? You were gone before we began; but I have you here, kissing my silence, tasting my fear, caressing my heart…

FUCK! Where have you taken me? Please name this place, give me an explanation. I’ve been told by so many that this can’t exist. Why did you bring me here and leave me? Why do you run when things become complex?

You fear us as a disappointment to your family and tradition; Cultural ties feed your anxiety. You have somehow twisted and slaughtered its true meaning however... a beautiful art form; lost in your attempt to renovate... -obscurity. A world lost from, but also contained by... reality, a mask within your true self, an assist that allows you to hide beneath the shadows.

As you connect, just for a bit, you succeed in stealing our breath, draining our blood, taking with you a glimpse of our passion, disregarding our sentiment and using it as a catalyst to dive deeper into your artistic abyss… We intensify your being and call to light the trouble with your current situation.

You will join me in this place someday. You may already be here, remove the blindfold and look me in the eye… You know where I am.

El Baile De La Reservada

Movement, radiance, and possession of natural beauty: inherent confession of your being. But you lie. You lie to me, you lie to them; and most distressing: you lie to yourself. You continue with the charade.

¿Artisa? You’re doing it again. You’re taking on too much. We’ve had this conversation. I told you that life will slow you down. But it wasn’t the drinking and driving was it? No, not that.

In some perverse manifestation of understanding I get ‘us’ more. I look back at ‘the signs’. I’ve been reading them with my heart, blinded by reality of life. Neither one of us cared to translate.

Take me with you? Not you! You couldn’t bare the thought of opening yourself up, allowing someone to hurt with you. ‘I don’t like you worrying about me, Mar-LA.’ Isn’t that what you said to me? Every time we spoke I think. Funny. I’m not going anywhere. All I can do is respect your privacy. Let you deal with ‘this’ in your own way.

I’ll give you space. But you know damn well that my interpretation of privacy is meddling. I won’t leave you alone. Selfish? I emailed you about being selfish, didn’t I?

Don’t worry about these postings. I’ll allow you your shadow. You can hide from life for as long as you like. I'll live with you through masquerade: El Baile De La Reservada.

Normalcy

My Mind

Normalcy: nor mal cy (noun) - the way things are under common circumstances.

I can`t imagine fumbling trough life striving to maintain normalcy; but you know as well as I that this is no plight for the imagination... It is, and has always been, the only reality we know.

This blog, serves to challenge the norm. Live as you are; embrace your differences, annoyances and mishaps. Learn from stupidity, anger, jealousy and regret. Get from it what no one dares to: truth. But don`t be fooled. I`m a simple girl with simple thoughts. Lower your expectations just a tad; give me what I strive to give you; a small piece of self/a mirror image of what the pursuit of normalcy has done to us, or at least to one woman`s outlook on the world and experiences gained from it.

Throughout the course of my life I`ve made certain that my happiness was buried, masked by pain, suffering, or some other self-hating descriptive. Would you believe that after almost three decades of bjte-noir, I`ve found a way to convert into something more heartening? I`ve come to appreciate all my abhorrence, suffering, fear wallowing, and disgust: chalking it up to the wonderful lessons of life prompted by misery. Don`t misunderstand my message. Misery does not have to be coupled with a negative. It is to me, a side note, reminding me that positive lessons are mostly taught by fear.

Enjoy my life.